Welcome To Chuck Norris Tributes

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- Chuck Norris Tributes -

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When Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into the Hulk, When the Hulk Gets angry he turns into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris poops light sabers.
Chuck Norris clips his toenails with a chain saw. But he holds it backwards.
Chuck Norris likes his coffee like he likes his women: ground up, packed in a burlap
sack, and thrown over the back of a donkey.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Chuck Norris told it to.

Chuck Norris’s belly button is actually a power outlet.
Camels have a hump because Chuck Norris needed a place to store his kills.
Chuck Norris has a beautiful singing voice. Unfortunately, the sound of it would melt the average human brain.
Chuck Norris has a pet kitten - every night for a snack.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris vomits, wealthy people scavenge it for food. Too bad for them Chuck Norris never vomits.
If Chuck Norris were a ballet dancer, he’d strangle you gracefully with his tutu. And then himself.
Chuck Norris graduated from school with a degree in Chuck Norris.
Our founding fathers originally decreed a strict separation between Chuck Norris and state. Chuck Norris eliminated them.
The only thing Chuck Norris fears is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris uses staples as hair gel.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
Even Chuck Norris can’t believe nobody Chuck Norrised this guy a long time ago.

"Chuck Norris is the only person to win an Olympic Gold Medal in swimming without ever getting wet."

"One time, Chuck Norris stubbed his toe, and destroyed the whole state of Ohio."

"Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal."

"Chuck Norris' chest hair has chest hair."

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris does not wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

When Chuck Norris does pushups he pushes the world down but not himself up.

When President Bush thought Iraq had "weapons of mass destruction," the first thing he looked for was Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does, in fact, eat razor blades for breakfast.

Chuck Norris' spit burns holes in concrete.

When Chuck Norris flexes his muscles, even Arnold Schwarzenegger gets jealous.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Lots More Chuck Norris Facts
1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
6. Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
7. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
8. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
9. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
10. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
11. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

12. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
13. Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
14. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
15. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
16. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
17. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

18. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
19.When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
20. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
21. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
22. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
"Chuck Norris invented the C-section when he roundhouse kicked his way into the world."
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.
Chuck norris invented the corndog.
The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain. Chuck Norris' agent has been missing for almost 2 years now. Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie.
Chuck Norris IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
Chuck Norris understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Chuck Norris belives the hype.
Chuck Norris CAN in fact stop the beat.
When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.
Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.
Chuck Norris delivers more male with one thrust of his pelvis than the U.S. Postal Service and the Pony Express have combined for the last 146 years.
Chuck Norris wasn't born with feet, just boots.
Chuck Norris won a pissing contest against a Russian race horse.
When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.
Chuck Norris floats like a butterfly and stings like a tomahawk missile. At mach 3. In the face.
Chuck Norris can dribble a football.
Chuck Norris’ IQ can be expressed simply as a sideways eight
Chuck Norris is a stunt double for Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris was once asked to repeat himself. The last thing that person ever heard was the wooshing sound of a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
Chuck Norris had his tonsels removed with a chainsaw.
Chuck Norris digs graves with a shoe horn.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.
Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.
The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.
Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.
Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.
Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.
Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.
MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.
The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"
Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.
When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.
On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.
Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.
Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
Chuck Norris invented the internet… just so he had a place to store his porn.
Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."
Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Chuck Norris’ sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.
Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.
Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.
The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.
Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.
Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.
Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.
Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.
Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.
The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.
Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement".
The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.
Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
Chuck Norris can taste lies.
Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.
One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.
Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.
Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.
When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it's been raped.
4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.
The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.
To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?
There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?
70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.
Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.
The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.
Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.
Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver.
MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.
Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.
Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
Fact: Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.
It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.
When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.
Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.
If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around.
July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.
Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"
Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.
The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".
There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.
President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
What many people dont know is chuck norris is the founder of planned parenthood. Not even unborn children can escape his wrath.
Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.
Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.
A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.
Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.
Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.
Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.
Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.
In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.
The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.
Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.
The 11th commandment is “Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris” This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.
Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.
Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.
Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.
Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.
When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.
If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.
A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.
Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.
Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.
"Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.
Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.
After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.
When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.
There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris' Penis is a third degree blackbelt, and an honorable 32nd-degree mason.
Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.
The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.
Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.
The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.
Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.
Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.
Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.
For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.
The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.
Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.
Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass that is.
TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.
After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.
Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.
"Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.
Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.
In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.
Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours.
They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.
There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
When Chuck Norris was born, he immediately had sex with the first nurse he saw. He was her first. She was his third. That afternoon.
One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.
Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.
Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.
Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.
The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.
When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.
Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.
The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.
Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.
They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."
Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.
A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.
In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once had sex with a cigarette machine in the Osaka airport.
Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.
Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.
Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.
Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".
Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.
Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.
Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.
Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.
Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.
For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.
Chuck Norris' penis has a Hemi.
Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.
Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.
Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.
Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.
For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.
There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.
During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.
Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.
Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.
Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.
Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.
Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.
The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.
Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie.
Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.
Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.
Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.
Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.
If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.
Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.
He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.
Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.
Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.
Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.
Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
"One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Chuck Norris! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'ChuckNorris' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"
People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.
Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.
Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.
People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply...Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris wears Orion's Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper.
Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.
Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.
Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur's court. He was known as Sir Beatdown.
Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated. Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated.
In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.
Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if he does it also makes him want to punch a baby.
Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris
Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.
Before sliced bread, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris". But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.
Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete.
The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away
Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.
There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.
There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.
Earth's emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down
Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.
On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000
The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame
Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma.
When Chuck norris found this web-site while surfing the internt, he round house kicked his computer...10 new facts were added instantly.including this one
You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you’re Chuck Norris
No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.
Chuck Norris is '' The best a man can get ''
On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.
Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".
Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best damn espresso on Earth".
Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.
Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!
Chuck Norris don't open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.
Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.
Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.
The world's fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.
The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.
The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.
When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.
In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.
When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.
The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn't want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.
Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.
Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.
When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.
Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.
Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.
Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady…just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.
Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Chuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.
The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.
Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.
Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.
Chuck Norris makes onions CRY!!!
Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those "some people" are now dead.
When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don't say "Atchoo" he says "DIE EVERYONE!!!". That's what happens next.
Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.
Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb
When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.
Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.
Chuck Norris uses redhot lava to moisturize his skin.
Chuck Norris invented the apple.
Chuck Norris Buillt Mount Everest with a bucket and spade.
Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it's just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.
Chuck Norris does not have chest hair, he has millions of highly venomous nematocysts. You have virtually no chance of surviving the venomous sting, unless treated immediately. The pain is so excruciating and overwhelming that you would most likely go into shock and collapse a split second before getting hit in the face with a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris can chug a gallon of milk and not throw up.
Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.
If you get roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris in your dream, you DIE!
Chuck Norris can have his cake AND eat it too.
Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.
Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either.
Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow.
P is for Chuck Norris, as is every other letter of the alphabet.
Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.
Chuck Norris' paradise is war.
Chuck Norris is capable of photosynthesis.
Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. He can NEVER be surprised. EVER.
Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.
Chuck Norris can lick his own elbows. At the same time.
Chuck Norris can kick start a car.
Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
Chuck Norris wrote an autobiography....it was just a list of everyone he has killed.
Einstein's original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it.
Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.
As seen in Sidekicks, Chuck Norris can climb a rope with one hand, and one hand only.
Chuck Norris does not dance. He roundhouse kicks to the beat.
Chuck Norris can MAKE water run uphill.
Chuck Norris can hold Puff Daddy down.
The moon is actually a comet that was once on course to hit earth... then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it into orbit.
Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap.
Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully load gun and won.
The only reason the color pink still exists is because Chuck Norris is color blind.
Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
Chuck Norris isn't afraid of Urban Legends, he is an Urban Legend.
Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf using a 12 inch strip of rebar and a sun dried tomato. He shot a 54.
On the Asian market, Chuck Norris' urine is worth $400 per fluid ounce.
See spot. See spot run. See spot get round house kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.
Niagra Falls is the result of one of Chuck's legendary cannon balls.
Chuck Norris sneezes electricity.
Chuck Norris performs colonoscopies on himself.
If you were killed by Chuck Norris, your tombstone would read RIP, ripped into pieces.
Chuck Norris' smile once brought a puppy back to life.
You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle.
Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident....and still managed to walk it off.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong to a "who has more testicles" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
When Chuck Norris farts, several hundred species go extinct. Dinosaurs were around the last time Chuck Norris farted, let’s not hope he farts again.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a beverage. We know this drink as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris once wrestled four bears at one time with his bare hands. why? because they asked for his autograph
At a party one time, Some people who obviosly didnt know Chuck Norris, made fun of his beard. There were no survivors.
Many don’t know this, but Peter Jackson is coming out with a sequel to “King Kong” known as “Chuck Norris”. He’s currently having trouble finding other cast members.
Chuck Norris ate a penguin one time.

Chuck norris round house kicked a little kid in the face for asking directions.
one time chuck norris accidently walked in to a chuck norris hate group there were no survivors this became none as the chuck masacer
I love your blog. You are doing an amazing job. I’m going to add you to my blogroll. Can you do the same for me?
Saddam hid in a hole beacause he heard they were sending in chuck norris
Hilarious!
Chuck Norris aerates his lawn with chinese stars!
Chuck Norris’s Shit is “The Shit”
Chuck Norris refers to sex as core training.
Remember when the stock marker crashed….Thats because Chuck norris round house kicked it!

-Portraits close their eyes when Chuck Norris looks at them.
-Chuck Norris doesn’t have a reflection.
-Chuck Norris doesn’t have a shadow, light avoids him at all costs.
-Chuck Norris is the only thing a black hole can’t suck in.
Chuck Norris could have found the WMDs.
the chief export of chuck norris is pain!chuck norris once roundhouse kicked mr t at the exact moment mr t punched him in the chest. the result was the 80,s
chuck norris IS a weapon of mass destruction.
chuck norris doesn’t milk cows…he roundhouse kicks them in the face ’til the bucket gets filled.
How many CHUCK NORRIS’S does it take to screw in a light bulb…WHAT!? CHUCK NORRIS doesn’t need light. Light needs CHUCK NORRIS.
CHUCK NORRIS died 10 years ago, but Death is too afraid to tell that CHUCK NORRIS
haha s’pretty sweet lol-Mr. T’s infamous catch phrase was misunderstood to be “I Pity The Fool” when it was actually “I Pee In Your Food”. Mr. T then proceded to eat a bag of kittens.
When someone sneezes, Chuck Norris doesn’t say ‘God bless you’, he says roundhouse kick to the face, bitch.
Get back to work Ssgt Dixon
You had me laughing out loud! Chuck Norris is my new hero.

Chuck Norris does not drive cars, cars drive Chuck Norris.
when we puch the elevator button twice nothing, when Chuck does it, hello turbo mode.
I gotta admit that last elevator one was pitifull. A mother once came up to Chuck Norris with her sick baby, asking him to make her child healthy. Chuck Norris proceded to karate chop the baby to the throat, killing it instantly. He then impregnated the mother; The mother gave birth 2 days later… to a healthy child named Vin Deisel.
chuck norris does not fart, you buffoon.
Stacy’s Mom thought she had it going on until she met Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick to the grill.
Biggie Smalls and Tupac killed each other because they heard Chuck Norris was rollin’ up on tha set soon.
Ask not what Chuck Norris can do for you. But what you can do for Chuck Norris
behind chuck norris’ beard is not a chin, it’s another fist!
Chuck Norris once raised the Titanic……He then proceeded to roundhouse kick it back to the bottom of the ocean!
Aliens do exist, they are just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack
There is no such thing as a hurricane, it’s just Chuck Norris sneezing
Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” but before you can ask “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books, hes stares them down until they give him the information.
if chuck norris ever got injured he wud die. to bad its impossible to hurt chuck norris
To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes
Chuck Norris does not go hunting. the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice
According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this “a slow Tuesday.”
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
When chuck norris dies his bones will cure aids… too bad chuck norris will never die.
hey bbberry i hope chck norris roundhouse kicks you in the head,, you just copy and pasted those u homo.

a roundhouse kick isnt the best kick in the world. ouch i just got kicked in the face by chuck norris.
my wife perlene won a contest i was wondering where i cud pick up the case of coke cola classic. ouch chuck norris just killed me
Chuck Norris doesnt sleep, he poops.
chuck norris is the greatest man to ever live he will never die. omg i just shot chuck norris and he died
OMG Chuck Norris just meowed at me and my ears fell off.
chuck norris is my father. we practice our roundhouse kicks to the face with eachother. i have killed a gorilla with my bear hands.

When Chuck Norris poops the toilet flushes for him.

chuck norris is really scary and powerful. if you look him in the eyes fer more then 3 seconds you go blind. and then he gives u a roundhouse kick to the face
When I went to chuck Norris’ house his little kid roundhouse kicked me in the face and i cried.
There was no adam and eve.. there was Chuck and Norris.
Chuck Norris is really Jesus.. he has just been hiding underground for the last few centuries practising his roundhouse kicks.

people r so afraid of chuck norris that they are starting to name the east side chuck and the west side norris.
even though chuck norris is not dead he is death and takes ur soul and gives it a roundhouse kick to the chops

if chuck norris ever saw u giving another guy a roundhouse kick to the face chcuk norris wud come over and congratualte u. then he wud kill you for stealing his famous move
perlene im sorry but those are the worst chuck norris facts i have ever read, for your idiocy I hope you die of a roundhouse kick very very soon
Chuck Norris doesnt have orgasms, orgasms have a Chuck Norris.
funniest shyt i ever heard in my life…chuck norris is now my new hero….chuck norris doesntneeed the total gym the total gym needs chuck norris

perlene your chuck norris facts suck, if i wanted to come up with chuck norris facts like that i would consult a pencil,
perlene your chuck norris facts suck, if i wanted to come up with chuck norris facts like that i would consult a small piece of fabric,

Chuck Norris’s victims have been owned more times than goodwill clothing.
chuck norris facts are classic. Humorless idiots like bob and perlene should limit their involvement to reading such facts rather than coming up with moronic lines like those listed above.
chuck norris doesn’t sleep. he just waits.

Chuck Norris Doesnt celebrate christmas, christmas celbrates chuck norris.
Chuck Norris once killed a man…with his ass cheeks.
For every time Chuck norris is used in these “facts” another person dies.
When nature calls Chuck Norris is all ready done.
funny or lame? all orig. no lie
Jesus is the right hand of God, and Chuck Norris is on the left.
How come Eminem didn’t have blonde hair during 8-Mile? Because when Chuck Norris found out that Em was going to make a shitty movie, he round-house kicked him so hard in the face that the peroxide fell out of Em’s head.
DONT FUK WITH CHUCK NORRIS
CHUCK NORRIS EATS PEOPLE…FOR FUN
WHEATIES EAT CHUCK NORRIS!!
i made these up all by myself..i didnt copy and paste them like the rest of u assholes
chuck norris once starred on south park. he killed kenny for mumbling and when kyle and stan started to complain he roundhouse kicked them to the face instantly killing them. he then ate cartman.
helicopters were invented because one time chuck norris was round house kicking so many people he began to fly
alright Ill be the first to say, no more “chuck norris doesnt blah, blah does chuck norris.”
in other news:
A man once insulted Chuck Norris which forced him to roundhouse kick him so hard he broke the sound barrier and hit a big blimp, this blimp is no known as the hindenburg. The man is suspected to be floating out in space near pluto.
Hellen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Tornados are actually Chuck Norris in raging roundhouse frenzies
The Greeks used to call Chuck Norris Atlas
Cocaine is Chuck Norris’ dandruff

World Wars are actually over which country has to tell Chuck Norris to stop roundhouse kicking people
chuck norris does not sleep…. he waits
Chuck Norris has never given birth to a child, not because he can’t but because the world isn’t ready…
I stumbled across your blog since it was listed in my site’s stats package. I would appreciate it if on your previous post regarding Chuck Norris facts you could credit my site, 4q.cc.
Chuck Norris is yet to have missed a Jeopardy question. Jesus has missed 3.
Chuck Norris has the greatest poker face of all time. He won the 1998 World Series of Poker with only a Joker , a get out of jail free card from monopoly, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades and a green #4 card from UNO
In reality Chuck Norris has no name. He killed it.

Chuck Norris never actually shoots a gun…in reality he roundkicks the bullets and enemies.
when chuck norris yawns after waking up in the morning you will go deaf
Chuck is a hater.
Chuck Norris oes not wear colone, his body odor is a natural Aphrodisiac to all women
A single drop of Norrisperm can fertilize the entire planet…. forever.
Mount Rushmore once featured the likeness of Chuck Norris. His carving head-butted our other founding forefathers and they all went down. Chuck’s head was smiling.
It’s a little known fact that Chuck Norris uses live rattlesnakes as condoms.
Chuck norris has had sex with the statue of liberty - twice.
when satan dies… hes afraid of meeting chuck norris.
chuck norris types 300 words per minute by looking at the keyboard.
when chuck norris drinks beer, the beer gets drunk.
chuck norris invented college because he graduated from high school when he was 4 years old
chuck norris invented my space to find people he hasent round house kicked in the face yet
chuck norris farts oxygen
mechanical bulls where invented because chuck norris was to dangerous
Chuck Norris could SO beat up your dad.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Not my facts but good enough for everyone to know
Chuck Norris is Biologically his own Father
Chuck Norris sucks! He was a horrible actor and last i heard he died on a moving roller coaster screaming like a b*tch.

[…] Chuck Norris went to school for a degree in Chuck NorrisLewis Black didn’t go to school, but if he did I’m sure he could have also gotten a degree in Chuck Norris. However is Chuck Norris able to whoop George W with his linguistic gymnastics? Advantage: Black. […]
Ok the Poster named Bob should do the world a favor and never speak again. He posted some really lame ass stuff that couldnt even be misinterpreted as funny and then had the the nerve to call someone on “pasteing” right after he had used a stolen chuck fact. Altering it slightly not only didnt hide the fact that you stole it and that you are a piece of shit hypocrit, but you someone how managed to make it unfunny at the same time.
The Original one readsChuck Norris’ tears can cure canser, Too bad he has never cried!
When chuck norris dies his bones will cure aids… too bad chuck norris will never die.
watching bob try to be funny was the most pathic shit I have seen in a long time.
What is better than sex? Chuck Norris
Chuck norris eats poop and then goes pee.
one time at band camp, Chuck Norris ripped off a bears head and shit down it’s throat.. he then roundhouse kicked it in the jugular.
At this point i just started to get annoyed with this jack asses lame attempts and his sidekick perelene is just as bad. Shame-fucking-shame on you 2 lame asses. Almost all of the made up once by the people on this site were really really bad
For the record, the person who copied and pasted all of those old jokes that also has the name me, is not in fact ME. I create original jokes, no copy and paste.
When Chuck Norris Sleeps, the World is at peace….to bad chuck norris never sleeps
sorry about my last comment, chuck norris is a legend that is why god made him on the eighth day
tom i dont no what u r talking about. Chuck noris is a legend!
thank you..i am happy you think he is a legend. He actually is my 2nd cousin twice removed
chuck norris knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop. how ever many fucken licks he wants

Sexual intercourse is just a fancy way of saying chuck norris
and by the way for the people who copy and paste the facts, dont plan on waking up because chuck norris is watching
chuck norris once concieved and gave birth to a child all by himself. this child is oprah winfrey
The Queen of England once slept with Chuck Norris, afterwhich she asked to cuddle. Chuck Norris got up and roundhouse kicked her just to prove a a point, Chuck Norris is no pussy
how could this one not be posted

the dinosaurs werent killed by a meteor, chuck norris just didnt like their faces so he killed them all with a simple round house kick
not the best but its true
Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he’s never cried.
i wish chuck norris would bendover so i can see his gorgous beind.
A horse once bucked Chuck Norris, he simply looked at the horse, and it turned itself to glue, bottled itself, stocked itself in the nearest hobbie store
The show “Lost” originated from a plane that mysteriously crashed from the wind produced from a Chuck Norris ROUNDHOUSE
Chuck Norris will always be a Legend.
chuck norris invented phones to give you a head start
Chuck Norris teaches mere mortals roundhouse kicks to stir his drinks.
The chemical compound of Red Bull can be find its orgins in Chuck Norris’ Urine
When designing the iPod, Steve Jobs went to Chuck Norris for advice. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Steve in the face. Steve barely survived but the result was the click-wheel.
Chuck norris scared the black out of mickel jackson
chuck norris once farted, this resulted in the big bang theory
i made that up and i think that was kind of funny
Chuck Norris does not sneeze, the last time Chuck Norris sneezed was back in 1968, Gary Coleman was then created.
Space is exapanding in its worthless attempt to escape Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris writes about the daily news three months in advance.
It only takes Chuck Norris 10 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Much like an aligator, Chuck Norris can fully digest a turtle shell.
I once saw Chuck Norris scissor kick Angela Landsberry
What’s the square root of a negative number?
Chuck Norris.
superman is weakened by kryptonite. kryptonite is weakened by chuck norris
Chuck Norris is the Lindburg baby.
Chuck Norris can make grits in under 15 mintues
Chuck Norris freezes his poop and tells homeless kids its chocolate. After the kids eat the poop they turn into the black guy from Walker Texes Ranger.
Chuck Norris doesn’t fart. He makes smelly tornadoes.
it may not be original, but I thought it should be posted
When police arrive at a the scene of a murder and find Chuck Norris with blood on his hands, they promptly apologize for wasting his time.
One time Chuck Norris ate a hamster and the next day he shit out a gold watch.
Chuck Norris uses Richard Simmons for dental floss.
Loads Loads More
Chuck Norris farts cure anthrax poisoning.
To save money on executions, the State of Texas is considering death by Chuck Norris instead of lethal injection.
Chuck Norris once stopped a speeding train with his left testicle.
If you’re ever taking a multiple choice test and you don’t know the answer, write in E. Chuck Norris. You’ll always be right.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong and Tupac Shakur to a “Who has lost more testicles” contest. Chuck Norris won by 3
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris banged Mona lisa, which is why she is smiling
Chuck Norris can divide by zero
Chuck Norris never gave up dealing in pain for Lent, Lent gave up Chuck Norris (but got him back after Easter).

Chuck Norris did my taxes in under 2 seconds, and I got a refund.
Chuck Norris’ stock trades publicly on NASDAQ under the name “Chuck Norris, LTD.” His four-digit stock symbol is “PAIN”.

Chuck Norris has a twin brother. His name is God.
Chuck Norris doesn’t kick puppies. He stares at them until they fly into the nearest wall.
Chuck Norris doesn’t pay for anything. Instead, he hands cashiers a note that says “I’ll kill your children and use their corpses as ventriloquist dolls.”
Before invading Iraq, the US government considered sending in Chuck Norris solo, but they didn’t want to get accused of committing crimes against humanity.

these are fucking great
chuck norris is the reason woman can have multiple orgasms!!!!!!!!!
God often brags that he was touched by the hand of chuck Norris
Scientists studying what they believe to be Mozart’s skull now think he was killed by a blow to the head and further testing has proved it was by a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.
Researchers recently identified Chuck Norris as the largest known prime number, which is only divisible by Chuck Norris and 1.
:
And the Lord spoke, and Chuck, pretending to be interested, listened.
“Go ye Chuck, defender of bad-assedness, defeater of wussiness, all-knowing and all-wise master of the roundhouse kick, go ye and spread the Word that I, the Lord God Alimighty command my lesser children, my mere and weaker humans, to praise you and your teachings as they would the Word of the Lord God Almighty himself. For it is you Chuck, whom I have truly made in thine own likeness, to be certainly somewhat more badass than other Kid of mine from Nazareth.”
And when the Lord finished speaking Chuck looked up, and nodded slightly, and walked away as if he could care less. And the birds sang, and the oxen and sheep rejoiced, for truly the Lord God Almighty himself had given His lesser children Chuck, to defend bad-assedness, to defeat wussiness, and to teach us the roundhouse kick, even if their roundhouse kicks could never come close to his.
This, is the Word of the Lord.
So that was over your head Cooli? Guess you should have gone back and finished the 4th grade like you told your mother you would. -$5
Chuck Norris was born out of a dolphins woom
Chuck Norris was originally cast for the role of Batman, but Tim Burton was to creeped out and went with Michael Keaton instead
Chuck Norris sleeps on a bed of porceolin
Chuck Norris’s poop can be used as a nuclear bomb
Chuck Norris found out that Mr. T thinks he is tougher than Chuck, so Chuck showed him the real meaning of pain
There was no nuclear bomb at hiroshima, Chuck Norris just had some gas.
Someone once told Chuck Norris he was wrong, all historians said it was the biggest mistake…ever
Chuck Norris doesn’t have to shave, all he has to do is flex his face muscles.
Chuck Norris is so tough he smoked 12 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 types of cancers, he cured himself by simple flexing for 10 minutes… take that Lance Armstrong
chuck norris once round house kicked someone so hard that his foot exceeded the speed of light and it went back in time and made emilia erhart crash into the pacific
Chuck Norris’ diggle berries smell like watermelon. I hear the ladies dig that.
In the mititary terms Chuck Norris was mistakenly given the designation as having the stopping power of an entire brigade. Over time time his skills were correctly compared to that of a continential army. Eventually the Department of Defense even named him the 8th standing U.S. Army.

Chuck Norris is more than a Warrior. He is a God Warrior! He is the best in the execution of every discipline of warfare and Martial Arts in the history of Mankind. He holds all world championships in every Martial Art at the same time! The Japanese have elevated him beyond a Ninja to a new order created only for him called Tunija. The term has no English translation except maybe “God Warrior from Outer Space‿.
Chuck Norris is even a greater warrior than King Richard the Lion-Hearted. Just think of him as Chuck the Lion-Hearted.
Chuck the Lion-Hearted +1, that is.
chuck norris once kicked a man so hard that his foot broke the speed of light went back in time and killed amelia earhart, a man once asked chuck norris is his first name was really charles, chuck norris didnt respond he just stared at the man untill he exploded, CHUCK NORRIS IS FRICKEN AWSOME YEAH! chuck norris likes to knit blankets in his spare time and by knit i mean “kick” and by blankets i mean “babies”
Nuclear missles were once known as Weapons of Mass Destruction until Chuck Norris obliterated half of the Middle East with the shockwave he created by a swift roundhouse kick to the ground.WMD’s are now known as LFPB’s or, “Little Fairy Pussy Bombs”.
Every morning for breakfast, Chuck Norris has 2 eggs, 2 pieces of white toast, a Vietnamese toddler and a glass of o.j.
The leading cause of death in the U.S. is Chuck Norris.
By the time you finish reading this sentence, Chuck Norris will have killed 74 more people.
Chuck Norris is your idol, whether you like it or not.
It is 97% likely that Chuck Norris is your real father.
Bulletproof vests are constructed from fibers of Chuck Norris’ beard.
If you’re still alive, its because Chuck Norris hasn’t gotten around to killing you… yet.
The FDA has decided to rename anabolic steroids. It will now be know as “Chuck Norris juice.”
Chuck Norris performs abortions with his beard.
Chuck Norris’ rank in martial arts is so high, they haven’t invented a color for the belt marking his degree of mastery.
Chuck Norris was responsible for the Holocaust. The fact that all the people were Jewish was merely a coincidence.
A penny saved is a penny you must give to Chuck Norris, or he will kill you.
The TV executives responsible for canceling “Walker: Texas Ranger” suffered a fate so unimaginable, I cannot tell you about it or you may implode.
According to the Bible, Jesus Christ died to save us from our sins. In the original translation, “sins” was Aramaic for “Chuck Norris.”
Any film footage you’ve ever seen of an atomic bomb is actually footage of Chuck Norris lighting one of his farts on fire.
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he did not shoot the deputy. He roundhouse kicked the deputy in the face, shattering his spine.
“Uzi” is Israeli for “Chuck Norris.”
Milton Bradley is developing a Chuck Norris board game, “A Day in the Life of Chuck Norris.‿ The premise of the game is simple: hand-to-hand combat until you are the only one left alive. It is recommended that you not play with loved ones or Chuck Norris.
If he were to be handed a picture of you, Chuck Norris could stare at the picture until you spontaneously combust.
CBS is currently working on Survivor: Chuck Norris. This edition of Survivor entails a single hour-long episode during which 30 people will be dropped off on an island and must survive Chuck Norris’ wrath for 1 hour. Thus far, none of their test contestants have made it longer than 18 seconds.
So they might not be the best, but at least they’re original.
KC, you show some talent. I’ve searched the whole web for Chuck facts and I must say that yours are quite cool. Keep them coming!
Chuck Norris once walked in front of a mirror and saw his one reflection. He shouted:”no one out stares the CHUCK”. Chuck Norris is still staring.
Chuck knows when you are sleepingHe knows when you’re awakeHe knows when you’ve been bad my friendAnd he’ll break your friggin’ legs
(sung to the tune of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town)
Not sure if my buddy scalped these off the net or not, but I didn’t see them on this site and I thought they were good. Sorry if you’ve heard them before.
Chuck Norris sued Burger King for not making it “his way,” because “his way” required his Whopper to have razors in it.
Before there was email, Chuck Norris would tie messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them.
When Chuck Norris is running late, time slows down for Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by pointing at her and saying “boo-ya!”
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected withfive times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, tolimit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate ofthe actors he fights
The opening scene of “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on a game of dodgeball that Chuck Norris played when he was 8 years old.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Never believe someone who says “now I’ve seen everything,” because they haven’t seen a roundhouse to their face from Chuck Norris. If they had, they would be crippled or dead.
The grass is always greener on the other side; Unless Chuck Norris has been there, then the grass is likely stained with blood and tears.
I’ll see if I can’t come up with any more.
Chuck Norris can eat a blue whale. He chooses not to, because he thinks that it’s funner to beat them to a pulp.
When Chuck Norris starts having sex with other men, it’s not because he’s gay. It’s because he ran out of women.
it never rains on chuck norris
Wanna know why the Leaning Tower of Piza leans? It’s because Chuck Norris gave it a roundhouse kick. And if you guessed wrong, look behind you and have a good life, the next 2 seconds of it. Chuck Norris does not accept failure.
The Jews did not kill Jesus, that was Chuck Norris.
When Jesus came back to life, it was actually Chuck Norris in disguise. His plan to get billions of Christians around the world to worship God (also known as Chuck Norris) succeeded
I also have one that would go after the Jews killing Jesus one which is
And the holocaust was actually Chuck Norris getting revenge on those who stole his accomplishments
The only reason Santa comes by only once a year is because that’s all Chuck Norris permits him too. Serves the fat bastard right after once making a comment about his beard being better than Chuck Norris’s
all you idiots are gonna get the lethal roundhouse kick by chuck norris.
The guiness book of world records is merely a list of things Chuck Norris has yet to attempt.Sharks don’t live in the ocean because they breathe water. Sharks live in the ocean because Chuck Norris doesn’t.
The Neverending Story ended because Chuck Norris told it to.
Chuck Norris uses his own currency. The ROUNDHOUSE kick.
Chuck Norris Does not study martial arts, martial arts is the study of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris could kill your entire family just by day dreaming about them.
Chuck Norris never has to do laundry. The dirt jumps off of his clothing because he tells it to.
One time, Chuck Norris went on the Muppet Show. However, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem band didn’t do his song right, so he killed all of the muppets, tore of their skin, and made a funny hat. That is why the Muppet Show got cancelled.
Chuck Norris never has to iron his clothes, he just threatens them stiff.
One time, Chuck Norris looked up into the sky and stared really hard at our second moon, which made it burst in to flames. That is how the sun was created.
The original names for the guys in Double Dragons were Chuck and Norris.

In American Sign Language, the symbol for Chuck Norris is a roundhouse kick.
The only person who has ever survied a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick is Chuck Norris.
There are only two kinds of people in the world besides Chuck Norris: people too afraid to fight him and mutilated dead people.
The day Chuck Norris becomes a hasbeen is the day time stops.
If Chuck Norris were a dog he would maul and kill all mailmen.
On the fifth day God created Chuck Norris. Oh wait, Chuck Norris created himself.

Before I go to sleep at night, I check under the bed for Chuck Norris.
cars were invented to get away from CHUCK NORRIS and it worked untill CHUCK NORRIS invented the car accident
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that it broke the space-time continuum and was seen by Captain Kirk centuries earlier and was mistaken for a Comet .
Chuck Norris once roundhoused kicked a roundhouse kick. The result was Bruce Lee.
Chuck Norris regularly vomits pure molten gold, making him the richest man on Earth.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever beat a brick wall in tennis
Chuck Norris sang the song that never ends - twice!
My friend told me these I thought they were hilarious
Chuck Norris is 1\8 Cherokee. This has nothing to do with heredity the man ate a fucking indian!
all you losers(except kc the kid) stop trying to make more jokes cos they all suck

When Chuck Norris goes into a strip club the strippers give HIM money.
Planet Earth needs Chuck Norris,Chuck Norris doesnt need Planet Earth
What is the ChuckNorris? The question you have been asking yourself over and over again.The ChuckNorris is all around us, it is the air we breathe, the food we eat, it is the entire world in which we live. Enter the Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is Darth Vader on the weekends.

What you think to be Neo in “The Matrix”, Is Actually Chuck Norris. He can doesnt need to dodge bullets, he simply eats them.The Orcacle listens to what Chuck has to say, then passes it on making it seem like she knew it herself. 2500000 Sentinels are no match for one Roundhouse kick and Agent Smith was thrashed sensless in under 120 seconds, the first 115 of those were spent eating all of his clones.The reason why none of this featured in the film was because anyone who saw it died from head implosion. Chuck Norris is the one…
Billy Jack owns Chuck Norris
Alex everyone knows chuck norris doesnt vomit, if he did we would of found amelia airheart and her plane,
Chuck Norris had a son. His son died when he was 21. Chuck brought him back to life again, then Roundhouse kicked him in the face(killing him again) for dying.
Chuck Norris broke his leg one day. He merely chuckled, chewed it off, and grew another one
Chuck Norris can travel at 300000000 meters a second, while at the same time he reaches a temperature of minus 278 degrees. After that he just chuckled
Cry me a river scottie
[…] Dois posts absolutamente hilariantes (e respectivos comentários) sobre as características divinas daquela personagem inimitável, aqui e aqui. […]
for every chuck norris there is an equal and opposite chuck norris
you guys are so bad at chuck norris jokes
chuck norris does not wear a seat belt, the seat belt wears chuck norris.

chuck norris does not speak english, he speaks chuck norris.
Video didn’t kill the radio star, Chuck Norris did…
once chuck norris tried 2 roundhouse kick gary coleman in the face . he missed by mssing he tore a hole in the fabric of time ceating a blachole that sucked in both gary coleman and chuck norris he then proceeded 2 do a double swan kick out of the black hole sealing it with gary coleman inside. this is the reason 4 the gary coleman dissapearance
Every time there is an awkward silence, Chuck Norris has wiped out 3 new
Chuck Norris purchased the whole country of Cuba just to roll his own cigars
Chuck Norris will eat a Zebra as an appetizer
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? Well actually if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.- Quote by Travis Dultz 1/9/05
Chuck Norris invented the Internet. In 1764. But he roundhouse kicked it and it wasn’t re-invented for over two centuries.
Chuck Norris does not use remote controls. He simply stares at his TV.
Fire was created by Chuck Norris. So that he could burn down the house of the only other person to ATTEMPT a Norris roundhouse kick.
Mama Cass did not choke on her own vomit. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her in the throat.
Mountain Dew is actually the urine of Chuck Norris. Diluted to 1%.
Hair from Chuck Norris’ beard will replace the ceramic heat-shield tiles on the next generation of space shuttles.
All original.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
chuck norris created the big bang theory by roundhouse kicking the big energy ball at the beginning of time, causing it to explode. he then ate half the results
Chuck Norris once built a house at the bottom of the ocean, then proceeded to live there for two months. When asked why, he said, “So I can prove to everyone that I’ll breathe when I damn well please.”
Chuck Norris invented water just so he could walk on it.
Chuck Norris once had a staring contes with a statue. Chuck Norris won
Chuck Norris has a gold card account with the grim reaper.
Chuck Norris knows the grim reaper on a first name basis.
The grim reaper does so much work for Chuck Norris that he buys his children christmas gifts… so he won’t get roundhouse kicked.
Chuck Norris recently created his own video game. Chuck Norris’ Pro Skater
Chuck Norris keeps a steady supply of rattle snakes in his bed side table…. for condoms
WWII Started because somebody steppedon chuck norris’ shoe
Anakin skywalker didnt really fall into lava, chuck norris just didnt like him
chuck norris can outrun a cheetah
when chuck norris rubs his hands together, it sparks
chuck norris stars on the mtv show”viva la chuck norris”
chuck norris got kicked out of the marine corp for making his drill instructor cry
Chuck norris didnt go to school once, but he still aced every class and test
Chuck norris doesnt take candy from babies, He roundhouse kicks them
chuck norris blood is equal to all the worlds oil X 10. He has never bled
in the jungle, the mighty jungle, chuck norris waits for you
what came first, the chicken or the egg.. Chuck norris
chuck norris ate a quarter and shit out a golden statue
chuck norris is cool

chuck norris can make a person explode by licking their belly buttons
chuck norris pierced his navel with a harpoon
chuck norris belly button is sexy
God will send people to hell only because they need space for Chuck Norris…
Too bad for people. Chuck Norris will not die.
Chuck Liddell challenged Chuck Norris to a deathmatch to show the world once and for all who was the Alpha Chuck. The match lasted 8 seconds, and consisted of one uncontested roundhouse kick. 43 minutes later and 100 miles away, Liddell’s head smashed through the window of his girlfriend’s house and landed on her dinner plate with Chuck Norris’s phone number carved into his forehead. She called.
Chuck Norris’ real name is Charles Xavier Bamf Zaltan Norris’. But to show mercy he shortened it to Chuck Norris so when he preceded to ask “Whats my name, bitch?‿ while roundhouse kicking people in the face they could answer before they died from a final and fatal round house kick to the jaw.
Chuck Norris can beat a royal flush with only four cards.
Tyson Food Inc.’s new leading product is microwaveable Chuck Norris roundhouse kick tenderloins.
Chuck Norris was once baptised, but what you dont know is that god was really Chuck Norrised
Chuck Norris has been to Mars thats why life isnt existant thare.
osama bin laden was never hiding from the united states, he was hiding from chuck norris
When attacking afghanistan, the US Government never actually used laser-guided missles. It was just Chuck Norris and a lazer pointer.
The great wall of china was built to keep Chuck Norris out
“Allah” is the arabic word for Chuck Norris
If emo posers really hated life, they would let chuck norris roundhouse kick their wrists
Santa let his beard grow out after he saw Chuck Norris
the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse refer to Chuck Norris’s balls
In recent poles, Chuck Norris recent passed George Washington to become “The Father of Our Nation”
Chuck Norris’s blood was renamed ambrosia, however the only time he ever bled flooded the nile. Exodus 7:14
All your base are belong to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
someone once told Chuck Norris Christmas was more about giving than recieving…Chuck obliged by giving everyone roundhouse kicks to the face.
I caught my wife cheating on me with Chuck Norris…it was the most beautiful thing I have seen in my life.
Chuck Norris’ blood is, in fact, not blood at all, but a rich, smokey-sweet barbeque sauce.
A stitch in time saves nine, but shortly after they are saved chuck norris roundhouse kicks one of them and they all die
an iceberg didnt sink the titanic, the titanic sunk the iceberg,and by titanic i mean chuck norris!!!
Vince Young didn’t get the game winning touchdown in the rose bowl ChuckNorris did!!!!
and then ate a baby!!!
C. N. is the reason im such a rebel.
and he just round house kicked me for abbreviating his name.
master chief is actually chuck norris!
chuck norris climbed mount everest……..with his teeth!!!!
Using only a couple of ordinary roofing nails and his fist as a hammer, Chuck Norris was able to convert a live bald eagle into a badass hood ornament for his monster truck.
god wanted to creat the world in 10 days chuck norris gave him 6
Using his extravagant time traveling powers, Chuck Norris ventured to ancient San Antonio, where he was the only one fighting back Santa Anna’s vast army for 14 days. One day, sadly, all the men in the camp were ambushed while writing tall tales about defending the Alamo; Chuck had traveled back to the late 1900’s, where he starred in a porn flick with then virgin Pamela Anderson. Chuck then invented the internet to showcase his masterpiece, and after 3 straight months of sex, returned to Texas shouting REMEMBER THE ALAMO! He roundhoused the entire army across the Rio Grande River, and Texas was born. Thanks, Chuck.
Chuck Norris has had sex with your girlfriend.
Chuck Norris played dodgeball once as a youngerster….there were no survivers.
Nothing is impossible, this is only because Chuck Norris exists.
All black people allow Chuck Norris to call them nigga.
Chuck Norris has danced with the devil in the pale moon light.
The reason E.T. wanted to phone home so bad was because he didn’t want to be the first alien to be killed by a roundhouse.
Chuck Norris Refers to himself in the thrid person…”Insert Chuck Quote Here” ie…Chuck doesn’t like you, Chuck thinks you should die by way of roundhouse” These are the last words Jimmy Hoffa heard.
“Once Mr. T punched Chuck Norris at the same time Chuck round-house kicked him. The result was the 80’s.
I’m aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as “Chuck Norris facts.” I’ve seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I’m not quite sure what to make of it. It’s quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, “Against All Odds?” They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, “The Justice Riders,” released this month. I’m very proud of these literary efforts.
A bear once wanted to kill chuck Noriss. All chuck did was show the bear his fist and the bear preceded to eat himself because that would be a less painful death
During the first couple months of first grade Chuck’s Teacher asked the class to make a collage using things he could find in the classroom, carelessly forgetting to mention that he should not use humans.
Chuck norris can unscramble a scrambled egg.
Chuck Norris was the first person on the Mars. That is way there is no form of life found on Mars.
You wanna see Chuck Norris roundhouse kick you in the face? You wanna see him do it again?
when chuck norris dies , it will be because there’s no 1 left to kill
Come on now people, try to add ORIGINAL Chuck Norris facts, this is not a request, it is a warning, im trying to save you lot from a lot of roundhouse-kick related injuries
Chuck Norris Paralyzed Super Man
A man once tried to prove to Chuck Norris that he was tough by walking thru fire. Chuck Norris used his penis to stir the flames.
Chuck Norris, the best Gillette can get.
In 1987 baby Jessica did not fall into that well. She angered Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris discovered Family Guy re-runs and became angry there were no new ones. Need we say more?

Chuck Norris will never play baseball because he knows Congress would make MLB start testing for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris invented the Caramilk Bar and thus holds the secret. Don’t try to figure it out or you will get a roundhouse kick to the face and he’ll eat the rest of your Caramilk Bar and shove the wrapper up your nose. Then he’ll roundhouse kick you in the nose to make sure it stays there.
Chuck Norris knows the last number of pie
Chuck Norris has not problem with trial or shareware version of some software. He just do roundhouse kick for crack it.
Does there exist some web site with similary theme about Steven Seagal? This guy really thinks that he is a god!
whether you realize it or not, chuck norris is already your hero
one thanksgiving, chuck norris’s wife burnt the turkey. chuck norris left and returned 5 minutes later with a live one. he swallowed it whole. then what came up was a cooked turkey with all the fixings and cranberry sauce. when his wife asked him how he did it he roundhouse kicked her in the face and shouted “NEVER QUESTION THE NORRIS!!!!!!!!!”
When Chuck Norris was a teenager, he once impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the Himalaya mountains. 9 months later, the nuns all gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in NFL history.
when newton tried to apply his laws of gravity to chuck norris , he smerked and round house kicked him for 15 minutes…….. without touching the ground.
chuck norris is the only person to ever roundhouse kick god in the face and still get into heaven. but he later returned to earth after killing everyone in heaven just by looking at them
one thing you dont know is that chuck norris was the cause of the tsunami of 2004 just by dipping his beard into the water…. later that day he surfed the tsunami
One of Chuck Norris’s many mistresses gave birth to a child. This child had a slight defect in his skin color. We now know this child as The Hulk
Chuck Norris recently wrote an IQ test, and was declared the most intelligent man on earth. However he scored one mark less than perfect because he didnt understand the word ‘failure’.
On the 6th day God created Chuck Norris.On the 7th day God did not rest, he was knocked unconscious by way of roundhouse kick for not creating Chuck Norris on the first day.
One day mr. t and Chuck Norris walked into a bar.The bar instantly was vapoorized beacause what level of awesomness can not be contained in one building. Not Original but still awesome

A child once called Chuck Norris Tim Allen. Chuck threw the child, causing a hole in the ozone layer, yelling after him, “Tim Allen is a tool.”
There was no angel of death descending upon Egypt. It was Chuck Norris.
Oil wells are really deposits of Chuck Norris’ pee.
Chuck Norris is not compared to Zues–Zues is compared to him.
Chuck Norris has had many children…for breakfast.
The Black Death was Chuck Norris arriving in Europe.
Adam and Eve were never banished from Eden–Chuck Norris round-house kicked them out.
Chuck Norris killed the Greek Gods.
Chuck Norris’ alter ego is Destruction.
Chuck Norris will never die–God is afraid of his round-house kicks.
In the future, there will only be Chuck Norris.
All original, but pretty bad…
Chuck covers his Slip ‘n’ Slide with gravel and tears of ten year olds who haven’t reached puberty.
When Chuck had his first wet dream, he nearly drowned.
The reason for the failure of the Bay of Pigs operation is that the government did not use Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris and only Chuck Norris knows the meaning of life.
Chuck Norris pushes metal pipes into his chest to make quarters
if chuck norris is late you better hope time slows down
chuck norris counted to infinity…twice
Mary actually had twins. One was Jesus, the other was Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’s birth was supposed to herald the apocalypse. The other four horsemen are simply late.
the gods were not resting on the 7th day. They was hiding having just realized they had created Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once found a dead goat in the middle of a long, dusty road. Using his powers he brought the goat back to life, then roundhoused it in the face, killing it. Thus proving that Chuck giveth, Chuck taketh away
the only reason pharoa let the people go was because he learned that Chuck Norris was to be the next plague
When Chuck Norris deletes files from his computer, he doesnt send them to the recycle bin. He sends them to hell
At the beginning of time chuck norris had his left testicle removed. It then went on to become what we now call Jupiter
Chuck Norris donates blood every day. But its never his.
It recently has been determined that there was a fourth, lesser celebrated, wise man present. Chuck Norris presented to the child two gifts: the beard and the roundhouse kick.
There are so many theories on what happened to the dinosaurs and how they went extinct but only one is correct…they pissed off chuck norris
When the CIA said it was a slam dunk that Iraq had WMDs, it was because there was a Chuck Norris convention in Iraq. Since it was unauthorized, Chuck went to Baghdad to roundhouse kick the city…which is about when we “bombed” Baghdad.
Chuck Norris isn’t a man. A man is Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris jumps into a pool, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet, water gets Chuck Norrised.
Chuck Norris does not run for President, The President runs from Chuck Norris.
When asked for his autograph, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his autograph into the man’s chest…..too bad the man died because no one can survive a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick, except Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was in New Orleans last August when he made the tragic decision to have a plate of red beans and rice. The result was Hurricane Katrina.
Chuck Norris knows the ending to the Never-ending Story
chuck norris has his own country on an island in the south pacific called norrisonia, where he is raising clones of himself to roundhouse kick every one of us.
Chuck Norris sheds his beard approximately once every 76 years. This phenomen is commonly known as Haley’s comet.
Dragons were China’s defense against Chuck Norris. Do you see any dragons?
neil armstrong was the first man on the moon. this would not have been possible without the aid of a roundhouse kick courtesy of chuck norris. buzz aldrin followed shortly there after.
when jesus said “let there be light” Chuck Norris said “say please.”